Let’s see if we can work all these nups out – from a female tongue in cheek perspective that is.
Prenup, well that’s easy – it’s something you sign during moments of great excitement when everything in the world is shrouded in confetti and your favourite fabrics are chiffon, satin and the only colour you feel akin to is white.
It will probably go something like this:
I, Ms Jennifer Platter, giggle, giggle, soon to be Mrs Jennifer Basildon, do declare that should anything ever end our marriage – which I know it won’t as we are true sole mates – will be more than happy to share our belongings equally as we would have purchased them with equal love and appreciation regardless of who was the bread-winner.
Pre-prenup – now this is a new one on me. It’s something along the lines of a cohabitation agreement that traditionally same sex couples have used in places where marriage is illegal. But as more and more cohabitating heterosexual couples are requesting one, it’s been rebranded as a pre-prenup. And what is interesting is, it’s not predominantly for financial reasons. Nope, you can put anything you like in it. Even the new Mrs Zuckerberg is said to have insisted on one. In the Z’s pre-prenup, as per dailymail.co.uk, Mrs Z required her pre-hubby to take 100 minutes away from his home/office each week, as well as requesting they enjoy one date night a week. Let’s hope he took them all in one go, else date night might have been a brief drive-by burger meal.
I think it would go something like this:
I, Ms Jennifer Platter, would appreciate the following commitments from my partner, Mr Stephen Basildon
- Buy me flowers once a week – just saying, but Roses are so romantic 🙂 🙂
- Surprise me with little gifts on days other than special ones such as birthdays – after all, all days with you are special 🙂
- Cook me supper 3 nights a week, and tidy up of course – you look so cute with your hands in soapy water
- Make love to me at least 6 nights a week – or more if you are inclined – luv you baby 🙂
- Help me with the shopping – your big strong arms are so useful for those heavy bags hunny 🙂
- Help with the housework – I don’t mind doing the washing, but if you could hang it out that would be sooooooooooooo helpful 🙂
- Do all the gardening – eewwwwwwwwww, dirt under my nails is so not attractive to you sweety 🙂
- Talk to me when you are troubled, share your inner most feelings – I’m there for you hunny-buuny-boo
- Whisk me off to exotic holidays – Mauritius looks divine right now 🙂 baby/sweety/hunny
- Take me to watch Province play every time you go – you know how much your rugby mates adore me xxxxxx 🙂 xxxxxxxx
After-nup – I don’t know if this exists, but if it doesn’t, well I think it should. It would be signed a few years after marriage and would go something like this:
I, Mrs Basildon – hell I wish I’d kept my own surname – expect my husband Stephen to do the following, without question as soon as I ask. NO actually, even before I ask, you should know by now
- Rip up the pre-prenup and prenup– what a waste of paper they were
- Try come home on time, every day
- Remember you have children
- Oh, remember you have a wife
- Remember if you divorce me I’ll take you for half of everything you have. And don’t even think you can try the “I’ve been the bread-winner” with me